Anger

"Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry-but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Don't go to bed angry. Don't give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life." Ephesians 4:26-27

Okay, so how appropriate that it is my week, and the topic is anger. I just finished typing this up this morning before I read the passage for today. So, I am going to share the testimony of my miscarriage that I shared Friday night. I was so angry then, and God showed me that the best way to deal with anger is to talk to Him…

I have had to learn to trust God many times in my life. I grew up in and out of church until I was baptized in middle school. Then we moved to Alabaster where I began to attend Westwood in the 9th grade. I went off to college and gave into worldly desires until I can back to Westwood, and God broke me down and showed me that I had to trust only Him. I began to pray for forgiveness on the alter each time the church doors were open, but God had another plan. He put the prayer for a husband into my heart. I really wasn’t looking for a husband…I had just read I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and I meant business! But across the county a young man was approached by a prayer warrior at his church who told him she was praying for him. He thanked her and told her he was doing well in school. She said that, no, she had been praying that he would meet a beautiful, God-filled woman. My husband, Daryl, and I had a date that night! God again showed me that He would give me a desire and then fulfill it…I just had to trust Him.

Well, Daryl knew that I didn’t really want kids. I don’t enjoy the baby stage, and God hadn’t given me that desire. We got married when we were 25 and okay without having kids until I turned 26. Then God gave me a burning desire for children. I thought about it all the time. I began to come up with a plan. The problem was that I was given a timeline of only 2 years of fertility due to my endometriosis. I was in Physical Therapy School that lasted 3 years, so I felt like my plan needed to be fool-proof. I printed out ovulation calendars and arranged my clinical schedule around getting pregnant. I would conceive in the Spring, graduate in December, have the baby, take some time off, and then start a job. Perfect…and it seemed that God was on board (though I hadn’t really asked Him to be).

We found out we were pregnant in June of 2007 with our due date in March of 2008. We fell in love with that baby from the moment the stick said yes! We went to the doctor that Saturday for confirmation and drove straight over to tell our parents. Then we told all of our friends, our extended family, my whole PT class, and on Wednesday I announced it on Facebook. We were having a baby!

But then I woke up Thursday morning and just didn’t feel pregnant anymore. Daryl told me it would be okay, and I wasn’t cramping or anything. So I went to my PT clinical in Tuscaloosa and was standing in a room of adults with mental disabilities who were painting each other’s nails when I began to feel bad. I thought it was just the smell, but I was cramping some by then. I went to the bathroom (I’d been putting it off all day) and discovered blood. I knew in my heart that I had lost the baby. I told my instructors and called Daryl. They drove me to meet him, and we went to the hospital. The doctor, who wasn’t my doctor, met me with a hug. I couldn’t stop crying. I just felt like my soul had been broken. They told me to go home and put my feet up. If it got better, the baby was safe. If not, I would know.

It got worse. I continued to cry for 3 days straight. I woke up in the middle of the night crying. My family would not leave me by myself…I was just so sad. But finally, Daryl needed to run to the store. I was alone with God. I told Him how angry I was. How it wasn’t fair. Other women who didn’t even want their babies had them all the time. I didn’t understand; this wasn’t part of my plan. But God changed my heart mid-prayer. Somehow I began to thank God for the short time He gave me to be a mother. I got to love that baby for a little while, and it was amazing. Top of the world! God continued to comfort me and give me strength through songs on Sunday morning and beautiful conversations together. He allowed me to show His strength to my PT class, many of whom were not Christians. He has used me to minister to other women who have miscarried. His Glory has shown through my very darkest day. His plan was so much better than anything I could have dreamed of, and I am a better Christian, wife, and mother for it. I just had to learn to trust Him.

Psalm 113:9 He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD.